to the love i left my conscience pressed through the keyhole I watched you dress,

ooh... ouch... oweh.....

the very words that i constantly heard this week. there has been many accidents happening around me. my cousin's boyfriend, my friend, some of my neighbour, and a few guys that i happen to meet at the accident site. it's like a feeling that I'm about to be involve with those things.. but i won't keep my hopes on being in an accident, because primarily, if I'm in an accident, i wont get to drive again. accidents using motorcycles is alright, since no one knows about it but me, but if I'm using the car, the scratches could be very noticeable. plus when i drive i may not be alone. my brother could be with me. and he always tells my mother what i do. which is the opposite of me. whenever he does things i wont tell anybody, not even my friend. least to say about the accidents that he was in, nothing serious really, but bumping into a car in the parking lot, or even the incident when he was at the roundabout.

whatever he's done I'll keep it a secret.

and my other brother. the oldest one. could be the most one that i have most in common with but never that close. he likes to buy things that are really expensive, and have this tendency to not let anyone use it, especially me..... things like, wax, earphone, food, his phone, and other things. but when it comes to using my stuff, well lets just say boundaries can be reached.

case number 1
-using my mouthwash. he thinks i don't know. how do you explain my newly-purchased Listerine is gone within one week after i bought it...

case number 2
-using my laptop without my concern. lets just say my laptop has a sing in time. how can i log in to my laptop when I'm out jamming:?

there area lot more case that i can present, but since they are my brother, i couldn't do anything about it. plus nobody would believe me anyway.... I'm like the black sheep of the family..


that's about my brother..


now about the rest of my family...
there are 2 sides in any family, one is the father's side, and the other is the mother's side, of course.

my father's side:
-they are humble people. mostly one that sticks to tradition(their parent of course,and their kids tend to follow but with a modern twist) almost all of them knows me, and they are familiar with me rather than my brother. plus they all know my name, and know my father. i really like going to this side whenever there are any function. and by the way, this side is really rich, but they do not show it, even in the way they dress

my mother's side:
-one that i used to like when i was a kid(mostly because my grandfather was still alive,god rest his soul) now after my grandfather passed away, i hate them. maybe its because of their behaviour, although they are funny, but its just that they are a little bit harsh. most of them are a bit too shallow. i mean come on what kind of a kid can only hangout with a another kid that are very rich. even their kid's girlfriends-boyfriends are rich... and because i never bring my girlfriend home, i am somewhat of an outsider to them. and they even judge people before they even know them. i mean i used to have this girlfriend that live somewhere, and they made fun of her just because she lived there. plus many of the people on this side don't even know me. i mean what kind of a family member puts you outside at a family function just because you don't know them, only to put you back into the house after they've met your mother. really that really pisses me off. it happened when i was with my brother. and one main thing is the one that knows me usually only makes fun of me. and the choice of work that i chose isn't to their liking, while on my father's side, they are really supportive of what i choose.

both family sides have their own chosen work fields

Father's side
-what you like to be, and mostly accountants. proud for what you do

mother's side
-the scientific side, mostly engineers, doctors. those who do not meet the requirements(like me) are outcast, even by my mother. i mean, last raya, i went to my grand-aunt(my grandfather's sister) and when i said i was going to be a director(movie director, no the company director) my mother said it was a silly ambition. so what, I've wanted to be that since i was a kid. and she said i was silly, and the respond from my grand-aunt was, a new field to be broken into. i was lucky she said that.

mother's side
most of the talks when my family are presents are of my brothers only. they never talk about me. i just finished my first semester in limkokwing but no one talked about that. my brother just received a letter to proceed into medicine was talked about all year long, even before he accepted it. it seems that i wasn't there. i am invisible. not there not anywhere. and i intend not to be there.


my reasons for posting this post today was because within a few weeks, my mother's cousin, is getting married. the function was two days, one at the my mom's cousin's house, and the second one, is at crown plaza(riverside hotel) i have stated that i didn't want to go, but she insisted that i go, since if i dont go they wont come to our families function if we had any. i wont elaborate any further but lets just say, whenever we have any family function, its always the same ones that come. i never see anyone else come, even on my grandfather's anniversary of his death(known as makan howl/hole/hoel whatever) mostly that comes is his friend. and close relatives(the first cousins, uncles, aunts, grand aunts/uncle)

so i have struck a deal with my mother, i will only go on one day only, which is at the house. and the on;y reason i wanted to go is because my gay cousin(Azzra) insisted to his father that we perform a song at the reception. one song that is"when you look me in the eyes" by the Jonas brothers. i first voted for"i don't love you" by my chemical romance but it just doesn't fit the whole wedding concept, but i think it does.so it has been decided. when you look me in the eyes. and one more thing, my newborn cousin's baby shower or known here as 'makan selamat' will be held also. so I'm in charge of taking photos and videos, and performing some show tunes which i really think wont happen, since they have no other things to use as an instrument other than our electric guitar. a talk of renting drums was rumored but hearing the price of renting the whole set for rm2000, well lets just save the money for buying drums rather than renting them. and for performance, i bet it will be another karaoke and sing-along. .....I'd rather stay somewhere else....so that's why after i graduate, i was thinking of running away from this place, from my family. i really wont miss them, or this place. I've been humiliated and harassed by this place for too long. and they always say that after parting with your family, you'll realize how important they are to you, but i never felt that. even when i went camping at school, or went to kl, or sleep somewhere other that here. i felt i don't wanna go home. my second older brother was thinking of doing just that after completing his doctor things.....go somewhere far from here.

"Don’t you know that I could see That you’re not afraid of dying Don’t you know that I could see There is not much use for crying"-now that i can see by Couples

from here to there and everywhere...

one more week, and it will end... my vacation, my holiday...1 month... still i haven't achieved anything. and as my life goes on.. i felt that i haven't done anything litterally for one month but sit in my house playing PS2, watching tv, playing computer, watching movies once in a while, going out on my own (which is quite boring, nobody with me at all) and some other unimportant stuff. my main goal during this break was actually to enhace my photography abilities. which thanks to my dad, i didn't do. mainly because i had this old-skool professional camera(CANON) and it needs a new battery. since my dad promised to buy it, i never thought to buy it myself. and for a whole 3 weeks he didn't get on the job. and he's the one that keeps lecturing me about not doing my job very well... thats a little bit hypocrite really, but i couldn't care.. he never remeber things like this, eventhough i remind him everyday.....

one more week, and Naim will come here, for his summer break. and coaccording to my dad, he may be staying with us. at least there's someone to play PS2 with me.

" i think of yesterdayand all the times I spent being lonely I watched the young be young While all the singers sung about the way I felt "
McFly-The Way You Make Me Feel

us against us......what the heck?

recently, our country is against stormed by an outlet of political outburst concerning false accusation, sodomy, and murder... this is the kicks of our country, this is the issue that is heating up in this nation of Malaysia.. even I'm embarrassed by this situation..

they should really stop feuding against each other and start joining mind to face the international crisis, that is that is the increasing value of oil, the low count of food storage, and such.. its such a senseless crime, they are politicians, these scandal shouldn't happen, they should face the nation's problem not their own.. and i blame the media for heating up the argument between them... they're not actors or actress, they're politicians, and these thing should really stop.... really..it should...

i look like buddy holly, you're mary tyler moore

this week on my "to-DO" list is still nothing.. still got enough cash to last me two maybe three more weeks. naim isn't coming untill the 27.. and i'm still bored out of my wits. and to further my torment, college will start soon.. and i dont even know if the finals result are posted yet.. gosh darn it..

so in the midst of noithingness, i fill my time by playing the ps2, which is starting to feel rather dull, and on the side i'm kinda saving to buy myself the PS3 until i found out that the PS3 requires a thing called an HDTV screen or monitor..and my dreams went down the drain, so instead i think i'm gonna buy a thing called the X-box 360, and that is until another shocking revelation, there isn't that many game published for the x-box. plus i dont think that many people in kuching own an X-box, so if i do buy it, i'm guessing it will be just another single player fun, since a lot of the x-box games are online multiplayer capable, since it is built by microsoft, and the internet, i can use my lan to connect it... so all in all, i'll just save to buy the PS3, and for the HDTV, i think until i work.....

and by the looks of it, there is nothing more i can do, since there is no one to go out with... my friends are all either in UITM or KML... that really sucks, and plus the night i get to go out with them is saturday, that is if my friends are back, if not then i'll go out with my brother, or in the day i'd go with my cousin "GAY-TING" Azzra.. i know its gay to be talking about him...

but on the bright side i get to hang out with more girls, since the departure of my friends.. cinema, eat out, or just hanging at her house..we're getting more closer, but i don't think i want to be her boyfriend, because i dont beleive in the very sense of being boyfriend-girlfriend.. we could become that, but then there's the calling everyday routine, and buying things for her, and notifying her if i'm going anywhere or hanging with anyone.. whatever.. the informal thing is much better.. i'll keep the relationship called friends-Plus-plus...and because i dont want the whole boyfriend-girlfriend is because if that is the case, i couldn't go out with other girl.. and if she does catches me or something, we couldn't break up because we aren't a "thing"(i mean boyfriend-girlfriend) i'm such a genius, but i sure hope she doesn't read this, or catch me or anything, because even if i dont get dumped, i'd probably get beat up or worse...(and not the good kind of beating anyway...)


well that is probably all my post for today... it isn't that long and i haven't posted in a while, but whatever..whatever.. i'd do what i want...(CArtman)

"where is your boy tonight i hope he is a gentleman, maybe he won't find out what i know, you are the last good thing about this part of town..."
Fall Out Boy-Grand Theft Autumn